1) During my time in the Queen's own navy, I learned the hard way how to pack eggs. Procure two large glass containers, of the type used to house galvanic cells in home electric lighting systems. Cover the bottom of the containers with 1 inch of salt, and then lay in the freshly larded eggs as closely as possible without touching. Pour salt over the eggs to fill in the gaps, until the salt is level again, and in this way proceed to fill the entire container. I have found this method will preserve the eggs in the hottest weather for over sixty days. Make sure to load the egg containers symmetrically about the keel of the ship, and remove the eggs evenly from each so as not to create balance problems.
2) Once, while passing the Azores while riding before a stiff gale, I had a seizure of the mind, during which I perceived an alternate reality in which I was a fat man on a vessel in deep space. When an alien face sucker would come at me, I would pretend to struggle until it had me in its claws and started to insert its semen-ejecting tail into my stomach. Then, I would work my immense mastoid muscles, chewing strongly until I swallowed the alien entire, after which I would belch the fragrant semen out my nostrils. I was indeed the apex of evolution.
