Forum.RttP{Hilariously awesome rules for Nazi jazz}

[Reposted from the FMP boards]

http://message.snopes.com/showthread.php?t=49218

(Note that, according to the snopes thread, these are actually from Josef Škvorecký's "Red Music", and are reproduced from memory, not from a surviving document. Still fucking hilarious.)

Nazi Germany's Dance Band Rules of 1940

*1. *In the repertoire of light orchestras and dance bands, pieces in
fox-trot rhythm/(so-called swing) are not to exceed 20%;

*2. *In the repertoire of this so-called jazz type, preference is to be
given to compositions in a major key and to lyrics expressing joy in life
/('Kraft durch Freude'), rather than Jewishly gloomy lyrics;

*3. *As to the tempo, too, preference is to be given to brisk compositions
as opposed to slow ones /(so-called blues);/ however, the pace must not
exceed a certain degree of allegro commensurate with the Aryan sense for
discipline and moderation. On no account will Negroid excesses in
tempo/(so-called hot jazz)/ be permitted, or in solo performances/(so-called breaks);/

*4. *So-called jazz compositions may contain at the most 10% syncopation;
the remainder must form a natural legato movement devoid of hysterical
rhythmic references characteristic of the music of the barbarian races and
conducive to dark instincts alien to the German people /(so-called 'riffs');

*5. *Strictly forbidden is the use of instruments alien to the German
spirit /(e.g. so-called cowbells, flex-a-tone, brushes, etc.) as well as
all mutes which turn the noble sound of brass-wind instruments into a
Jewish-Freemasonic yell /(so-called wa-wa, in hat, etc.);

*6. *Prohibited are so-called drum breaks longer than half a bar in four
quarter beat /(except in stylized military marches);/

*7. *The double bass must be played solely with the bow in so-called jazz
compositions; plucking of strings is prohibited, since it is damaging to
the instrument and detrimental to Aryan musicality. If a so-called
pizzicato effect is absolutely desirable for the character of the
composition, let strict care be taken lest the string is allowed to patter
on the sordine, which is henceforth forbidden;

*8. *Provocative rising to one's feet during solo performance is
forbidden;

*9. *Musicians are likewise forbidden to make vocal improvisations
/(so-called scat);

*10. *All light orchestras and dance bands are advised to restrict the use
of saxophones of all keys and to substitute for them violin-celli, violas,
or possibly a suitable folk instrument.

Rules Darkwor already breaks (off the top of my head):

*2.

Our lyrics are gloomier than a bagel eating a knish.

*3.

Our Negroid excesses in tempo are legendary.

*4.

Barbarian riffs abound.

*7.

I've had little to no success playing my bass with a bow, and (as a result of my un-Aryan finger plucking) my strings do tend to patter off of the sordine. (How embarrassing!)

*8.

We do indeed rise to our feet, sometimes in a manner most provocative (in fact you could say it's downright surly).

*9.

We're totally into scat.

In short, our career as a Nazi jazz band is over practically before it begins. To my utmost dismay, I can assure you. LOL