Every now and then, Obama opens his eyes and the world springs into existence.

When a tree falls in the forest, Obama hears it.

Obama can clap with one hand.

Prometheus was punished for plagiarizing Obama.

Obama can make a journey of a thousand miles without a single step.

Socks worn by Obama are used for climbing walls in Spiderman movies.

Hillary Clinton dropped out of the race when she learned Obama's true name.

"Obama" is the very first word in the English language to be a verb, adjective, noun, pronoun, adverb, interjection, superlative and pronad. (Pronad is a new category made specifically for the word "Obama" so its power can be fully realized).

When Obama squints dreamily into the distance, he can see next week's lottery winning numbers. But he never plays because that would mean poverty of ambition.

Obama can calculate your guilt just by looking at the numbers in your checkbook.

A microphone into which Obama has spoken, heals asbestos-related disorders and colorectal cancer by direct application.

Every time Obama talks about change, a baby diaper becomes clean and a homeless person's cup fills up with nickels.

Every time Obama talks about "hope," coma patients regain consciousness and chant "We are the ones we've been waiting for."

Obama's famous stare once converted 15 Islamic fundamentalists into secular progressives, all of whom are currently employed by Countrywide Home Loans.

Obama is 50% typical White person.

Obama's real mother was young John Kerry who reproduces asexually when coming into contact with foreign Marxists.

Obama often says "uh" in his speeches in order to irritate Bill O'Rilley who hangs onto his every word.

Obama always overpays his taxes because he believes that the government will find a better use for his money than he ever could.

When Obama rids the world of nuclear weapons, the red button in his office will control the thermostats in American homes.

Obama brings change to the world every time he closes his eyes and imagines that Twin Towers never existed.

After a hearty meal Obama has been known to send off a tiny ripple of hope. This tiny ripple of hope in Chicago can cause change throughout the world.

When Obama relaxes at home with his family he switches to a British accent.

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