Body: The following is an e-mail going around NYC . . . and now the rest of the country. The first part is a girl's apology email for cheating. The second is his HILARIOUS response which was forwarded to his entire address book and is now circulating everywhere. Feel free to continue the string of humiliation!
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Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all or anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.

It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you.

It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can Say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it. I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time.

Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that.

I am so sorry,
Elizabeth

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Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about".

You did a stupid thing huh? No . . . doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't fuck him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blonde who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New Jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS: I forwarded about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,
Brad

Pretty sure I've read this before, somewhere a while ago, but shit like this never gets old as it's totally deserved.

Also, you've really gotta give this guy credit for the insults he throws at this chick. Not only are they hilarious, but they're thought out and constructed well.

WOW!

I wish I was more like Brad.

BAHAHAHAHAHA!! Fucking classic shit right there. Kill whores. Kill them till they are dead, and such.

hahahah amazing.

that man deserves a standing ovation. his response is fantastic.

KING OF THE BURN!

i've definitely read this before, but it's great, so i will read again.

wow...thats all i can say

it reads like xmikex wrote that.

ha, i think so too

the "doing long division and forgetting to carry the one" part kills me

whats her #?

Women are the fucking worst.

evil creatures

I hope that girl killed herself over that one, fucking classic.

she is a foul whore

I hope all girls kill themselves.

if that happens, we'll have to preserve the vaginas so we'll have something non-gay to fuck.

I still wouldn't be able to get laid.

i definitely read that before, and yes, it is still hilarious. i just really, really, really hope that it was real, and not just a hoax made up by some dumbass with too much time on his/her hands.

the_reverend said:

haha Harkins sent me that a little while ago and said it looked like I wrote it.

RichHorror said:

If they don't, we could always offer our services and do the job for them.
That's usually the only way to get a job done anyway.

This is the best response letter ever, by the way.

i remember laughing heartily the first time i read it.

theaccurseddrummer said:

So true. Women are clueless and worthless.

their breasts are worth something if they are robust

dreadkill said:

Ha ha!

glad you got a good laugh out of that one

dreadkill said:

i too had a hearty bellow of laughter erupting from the depths of my diaphragm. revisiting such a concoction of verbal abuse and hilarity has me yearning for more. hip hip cheerio.

a good robust round of laughter echoing through the caverns of your torso is always a positive.

it reminds me of the time i spend 3 months in the solitude of the tibetan himalayas, bunking with only mother nature and her strange sense of humor. oh, memories.

MarkFuckingRichards said:

Mother nature cracks me up!! But she can be a drippy whore. A whore I tell you!

Tempermental cunt.

American women are whores, and as a result, American men are predatory bachelors. Victory to feminism, indeed.