http://blogs.abcnews.com/theblotter/2006/08/is_tomorrow_doo.html

I voted Slayer.

At the start of English class, the teacher asked the students to use the word, definitely, in a sentence.

Little Timmy raised his hand. The teacher pointed and said, “Yes, Timmy, can you use the word definitely in a sentence?"

Little Timmy stood and said, "The grass is definitely green."

The teacher shook her head and replied, "No Timmy, sometimes the sun is so hot, it browns the grass, so the grass is not definitely green."

Little Susie raised her hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue."

"No Susie, sometimes there are clouds in the sky. So the sky is not definitely blue," the teacher stated.

Little Johnny raised his hand.

"Yes, Johnny, can you use the word definitely in a sentence?"

"Um, well ... when you break wind, does it have chunks in it?" Johnny asked as he squirmed in his seat.

"No," the teacher replied.

Little Johnny stood and said, "Then may I be excused, because I have definitely just shit on myself."

awesome

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you" but the girl said "NO."

Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. She agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She said "The bastard paid me in quarters!"

don't worry the world wont end until 2012