I just found my old advice column. Maybe this will help some folks out--

Dear Rich,

What's the easiest way to clean women-blood off my clothes? I've tried traditional detergents, club soda, even lemon juice but nothing seems to work! Do you have any advice?

-fat in Boston

Dear Fat In Boston,

If the aforementioned hasn't worked, I'm afraid the clothes are a loss. After bleaching them, handle them with rubber gloves and place them in the home of a friend. Then call the police and place a missing persons' report.

-Rich


Dear Rich,

Is the female 'ejaculate' fact or myth?

- Polyhedral randomizer

Dear Polyhedral Randomizer,

Yes, the female ejaculation is a myth. Much like Zeus. Other female-related myths with which you may be familiar is that they have feelings or a soul. Yet another myth is that it's illegal to murder them.

-Rich


Dear Rich

What do women mean when they say no?

- ticklish in uranus

Dear Ticklish in Uranus,

Oddly enough, 'no' in woman-speak means 'I like whatever you like.'. Just do whatever strikes your fancy. They'll pretend to not like it, even to the point of screaming for the police and clawing at your eyes. This is what is known as 'playing hard to get'. This is how you know you're really turning them on and they're ready to have sexual relations.

-Rich


Dear Rich,
Why do women smell like anal catfood? Also, why does it make me want to hate fuck them?

Signed,
I just cleaned myself off.

Dear I Just Cleaned Myself Off,

They dummy up their usual scent with anal catfood, because they know that's what men like. The scent has nothing to do with your urges however. That's just normal male-female relations. Anyone who tells you differently is clearly a terrorist and it is your civic duty to notify the authorities immediately.

-Rich



Dear Rich Horror:

What's the deal with women?

Jerry S.
New York City

Dear Jerry S.,

They often seem confused and stray from their natural habitat, the kitchen. A well-placed brick to the forehead seems to correct this, however.

-Rich


Rich,

What do boobs feel like?

-My Dying Bride

Dear My Dying Bride,

Ask a hacksaw.

-Rich


Dear Rich Horror

Why do women feel the need to take out their own personal issues on men who have nothing to do with it?

- Jackin it in the closet

Dear Jackin It In The Closet,

It's just their way of taking the frustration of forever making at least 25% less than you for the same job out on you. Just look at your superior paycheck stub and be comfortable in the knowledge that you are their superior.

- Rich


Dear Rich,

Why is it whenever I pull out of my girl's ass, spin her around and blow a glorious load all over her face while cockslapping her mouth she won't talk to me the rest of the night? What is this chick's problem?

- Hammer Her Always

Dear Hammer Her Always,

She's in awe of your sexual prowess. Once you've loved her to that extent, there truly are no words.

- Rich


Dear Rich,

I've got this girl tied up in my closet. You know the type... nag, nag, nag "Why are you doing this?... Please, I have a family... Oh please I'm too young to die!" On and on and on. I've tried the "quick fix" solutions: ball gags, chloroform, threatening her with hot pliers. But I want something that will really open up a dialogue long term, ya know, to really let her know how I feel. I think this girl could really be "The One". I think if I could find a way to get through to her, to get her to stop weeping long enough to look into her eyes and explain to her the simple needs of a simple guy who just needs her sweet untainted virgin blood to sacrifice and gain my immortality through thus unlocking the gates to Hell. I don't think I'm asking for a whole lot.

- Ronnie James Emo

Dear Ronnie James Emo,

Simply take her to your local veterinarian and get her vocal chords surgically removed. Simply explain to the doctor that she barks too much and your landlord has threatened to evict you if you aren't able to keep her quiet. After ridding her of her nagging voice, she'll be so grateful that you'll have an attentive woman for the rest of her life... which hopefully doesn't last much longer than a week.

- Rich


Dear Mr. Horror,

Do women really care about size? And if yes, do they like bigger or smaller?

- Hung in Hondoras

Dear Hung in Hondoras,

No. And when they make jokes about your penis being small, it means they like it 'rough trade' and you may feel free to start punching them in the face, because that's the only way they're able to get off properly.

- Rich


Yo Rich,

Wut's up with hunnies bein all like....*BLADOWWW* when I'm up in dat shit? Ya'll know wut I'm talkin bout. Aww yeah son.

holla back,
Smoov B Tha Masta Playa

Dear Smoov B Tha Masta Playa,

Return my son's bike to our garage before the end of the day or I will be forced to contact the authorities.

- Rich


Ungh,

why woman no like cave. why woman run away

-----i will bash your head in with big rocks

Dear I Will Bash Your Head In With Big Rocks,

If you love someone, let them go. But only for about five minutes. Then shoot them in the back with a poison-tipped dart. Then, truly, they will be yours forever.

- Rich


Rich Horror,

Which opening in the female body do you recommend putting my hohodillie in? The vagina just seems "run-of-the-mill".

-Bored in Botswana

Dear Bored in Botswana,

Grab a hunting knife and create your own opening. She will be impressed by your ingenuity and never leave your side.

- Rich


Rich,

My girlfriend says I "fuck like Joe Christianni." What do I do?!

- Chris "Testament Rules" Christopherson

Dear Chris "Testament Rules" Christopherson,

Just because your uncle has a mullet, it doesn't make him a girl. Please commit suicide.

- Rich


Dear Rich,

Is it wrong to still have masterbation fantasies featuring my ex-wife? Well, more to the point; is it wrong to have masterbation fantasies about my ex-wife given that the reason she is my EX-wife is only because she's dead? Maybe I'm not making myself clear *sigh* is it wrong to still have masterbation fantasies about my ex-wife, who is dead, but is only really dead TECHINCALLY because I was sort of responsible for her death? Rich... what I'm really getting at here is... is it wrong for me to masterbate every time I think about the time I stabbed my now ex-wife to death with a flathead screwdriver?

Ray Jay Johnson

p.s. Keep that wife stabbing thing to yourself please. Some Guatemalen guy I picked out of a police lineup is doing life for it. Thnx

Dear Ray Jay Johnson,

This is a perfectly normal and healthy fantasy. Your ex-wife in her current state has all the good qualities of a woman [not talking, not moving, not breathing] without any of the negative qualities [being alive]. Continue with the knowledge that what you did was the right and moral thing to do. You are a hero and inspiration to us all.

- Rich

moar!

That was back when this board was even halfway interesting/entertaining.

i.e. I had a huge disposable income and a lot of pills.

and when the pictures sucked. now the pictures are ok, but the board sucks. im going to to have to get worse at photos it seems.

I would've just bumped the original thread but couldn't find it.