so I was working at the gas station yesterday by myself and I ate something bad. I reeeeealy needed to drop a sticky widget. Anyway, it finally slows down so I run into the back room where the bathroom is, but I have to keep the door open because I was there alone and I needed to listen for customers. So right as I drop ass, I hear the bell on the door ring. I’m sitting there in the back room on the toilet painting the porcelain while a voice calls out “hello, hello”. I yell to them “I’ll be right there”, grab a wad of toilet paper and wedge it between my cheeks to avoid skid marks and run up to the front counter. I didn’t have a chance to flush the toilet and after a few customers came in it really started to stink, because the bathroom is not too far from the front counter. Someone commented on it and I said that it must have been the sinks, sometimes they get back up. Eventually when it slowed down, I gave myself a good wipedown and flushed. All was good.

any other good poo stories?

i just pooped... and then 5 minutes later had to poop again. whiping is such a pain in the ass.


har har.

I used to work at the olive garden.

One night, I was hosting, and one of the duties of the host is to check the bathroom, every hour, on the hour. Well, I went in to check it at one point, and walking past the handicapped stall, I noticed that somebody had dropped a turd and forgot to flush. Disgusted, I kicked the flusher with my foot and ran out of there.

An hour later, I checked the bathroom again, and discovered to my horror that frankenturd was still sitting right where it had taken up residence over an hour earlier. This being my second attempt at flushing it, I happened to notice the excessive size of this shitblimp. It was about the same size as one of those summer sausages that they sell at the mall around christmastime. how anyone managed to squeeze something that large through their shitter, I'll never know, but I did notice that there were streaks of blood on the end of this turd, so I'm guessing that whoever left it there was going to watch their fiber intake from now on.

I nearly quit my job over this turd, when I told my boss about it and he told me to do something about it. finally I grabbed a plunger out of the back and used that to push it down, and it finally flushed. This thing had incubated in there for at least an hour. goddamn.

Later that evening, i was alerted that a similar mess had occured in the women's room. this time, I flat-out refused to get involved. a moment later, I saw my boss and one of the dishwashers walking in there with a mop, mop bucket, floor squeegee, and deck brush. They were both wearing huge rubber gloves and these great big rubber aprons that the dishwashers usually wore. i think that if full-body biohazard containment suits had been available to them, they would have worn them. From what I heard, this mess encompassed not only the toilet, but the walls of the stall surrounding it and parts of the floor in the stalls next to that one.

I don't work at Olive garden anymore.

About 2 winters ago, right after I was done with several, massive final projects in college, I took the largest shit that had ever been shat in the history of Mark Richards, and quite possibly the world...or at least I'd like to think so. I guess from the stress and non-stop work/junk food intake of about 3 or 4 days straight, I failed to relieve myself of bowel movements.

I was walking through Target with my boss and my girlfriend the day after the semester ended when it hit me like a ton of bricks falling from my stomach to my rectum in one fell swoop. It was the most painful ordeal of my life, and I would have taken another dislocated knee if given the choice. It took about 2 minutes to dislodge the brown beast from my abused anus, but as soon as it was over, I was more relieved than I had ever been in my entire life.

To make it even better, it was a perfectly clean wipe. When I looked at the toilet to see what I had birthed, I burst out laughing in disbelief. One solid log of shit, very close to the size of a Pringles can, was poking its ugly head out of the water. I flushed 4 times, and it did not even move. There was no way this thing could even get far enough to clog the toilet, so I bolted. Obviously, I bragged about it to my boss and my girlfriend, and of course neither of them believed me. After checking out, we were walking by the bathrooms as the security guard came out and said to one of the managers, "You have got to see that thing...it's like a fucking Pringles can, no lie!"

mark's story is amazing

i once took a shit that must have been 16 inches long end to end. it didn't even break off coming out. i had to cut it up with a knife to get it to flush.

dreadkill said:

Thank you, I aim to please.

I admire the length of your logs.

I dropped a candlepin last night. Yowzers.

One time I pooped.

Do girls poo?

When I worked at Gregg's in North Kingstown, I remember a few occasions where poo had to be cleaned, including one story where a guy had leftovers while walking out of the bathroom and left a trail of spackle going from the bathroom to the front door of the restaurant. However, none of these can top my supervisor's big poo story.

I think it was maybe four years before I started working there and he was dishwashing in the back. The problem that arose this night was that the septic tank was full and nothing would stay down. There was shit coming out of the sink, up from the toilets, through the floor in the dishroom...they had to put two pieces of plywood on the floor to stop them from stepping in the shit water. The genius managers opted not to close the restaurant. Instead whoever was supervising them at the time had them running back and forth between the bathroom, where they tried to stuff as much shit water as possible down in the sink, and the dishroom where shit was rising from the floor and they still had to wash dishes for the night.

Why he didn't(and STILL hasn't) quit that job, I'll never know.

I pooped today and I shall poop again.

I'm about to make a story.. poppers!

I got a few. My bowel movements are record-breakers on a daily basis. People usually never believe me, so from now on I leave them behind to scare people straight.

Anyways, my first story is from work a few years ago. I work at the Shaw's Supermarket in Raynham. Well a few years ago we were being remodeled, with half of the store closed off with construction. We normally have an employee's bathroom and customer's bathroom. The customer's bathroom usually smells like fucking shit and has urine streamed around the walls. Well, unfortunately the employee bathroom was closed of due to the construction. Then some jackass clogged up the customer toilet so badly that they had to close the bathroom down for 3 hours.

I've never had to take a dump as bad as this day in my life. I held it in with all of my might for as long as I could.. but I knew it had to go. I contemplated leaving work sick, but decided to tough it out. I walked to the customer bathroom that was closed, it had yellow tape all over the door and stall like it was a homicide investigation. When I got to the toilet it was just empty, no water or anything. So, I began the 3 minute process of expelling my bowels with as much force as I could muster. The beast that came out of me looked like someone tried to flush a black 3-year old down the toilet, it was huge. I was proud, and it smelled BAD because there was no water.

I left that bathroom so proud.. and wouldn't you know as I was walking out the door our caretaker was walking in the stall to attempt to fix the toilet. I felt pretty awful.. I still work with this girl and she still gives me weird looks. She knew what I did.. just flat out dumped in an empty toilet and left it for her to fish out with a scooper. The best part is the girl is mentally retarded.


The only other funny story I can think of is one time my boss was taking a shit in the customer bathroom and some guy came running in. He said the guy started banging on the stall going "ARE YOU DONE YET?!" over and over. He says the guy makes a grunt and he just sees diarrhea fall through the guys pants and all over the floor.. the guy says "Nevermind" and runs out of the store.

Oh one other one I forgot is one day I was walking into work and this mentally retarded guy pulls down his pants right in front of the entrance door and starts shooting diarrhea against the cement wall behind him. It was so disgusting, never seen anything like it, made me want to puke. He pulled up his pants and just ran away laughing.

I was told a funny one about my boss not that long ago. This was like 7 or years ago and he is 85 now, you do the math...Anyways, he had to secrete some serious juice and was in such a rush that he damn near climbed out of a moving truck when it was coming to a stop as they pulled up to the shop. As he was running into the bathroom he got his suspenders caught on the door knob. He grabbed them and yanked so hard that the exersion of his pull squeezed out the liquidy load all down his leg.


My old lady tells me that it is odd that I shit 5 or 6 times before I even leave the house in the morning. The daily toll is usually around 8 or 9.

"unexpected and intense diarrhea" hahahaha

i used to work at Arby's and the toilet seats were contoured to the shape of one's ass, so they had this lip in the back that went up about 2 inches or so. well someone had "unexpected and intense diarrhea" and when they sat down, they missed the toilet and it hit that lip, sending the shit EVERYWHERE. my boss went in and cleaned, and an hour later the exact same thing happened. the guy was still in the building when the manager found it, and he freaked the fuck out.

i also worked at McDonald's, and the same thing happened, but when the guy did it, he got it all over himself. he paid one of my co-workers 85 bucks to drive to Wal-Mart and buy him new clothes. i mean this shit was everywhere, walls, ceiling, door, floor, and all over the guy.

Three stories.

1 My mom used to manage the Mobil station across the street from our house. Back in the day, when they actually had a public toilet there, whoever finished a shift was in charge of cleaning it. Well, she gets called in there one day, because whoever was on absolutely refused to deal with what had occurred. As she described it, the only way this could have possibly happened was that someone with extreme diarrhea dropped trou, bent over, and spun around 360 degrees while spraying shitwater. It was on the walls up past the mirror.

This worked out well for me, because after that, all my childhood bathroom messes seemed tame in comparison.

2 I went on to follow in Mom's footsteps; I was in charge of third shift at the Mass Ave Store 24 (across from Berklee) for a while. One particular night, it was just me and a brand-new, greenhorn trainee on duty, and Estelle came in. Estelle was a person without residence. (I.e., a very stinky, VERY crazy homeless lady.) Estelle heard (and talked back to) voices, who apparently weren't very nice - the only words you could ever understand her say were when she called the invisible people "bastards" and "sons of bitches." She tended to get in screaming matches with "the voices" while waiting on line to pay for Hungry Man meals; these were accompanied by vigorous swinging of her plastic shopping bags and poorly-aimed kicks (after which she would reach the counter and mumble something while pushing change across the counter, like nothing had happened).

Anyway, the point is that Estelle's nuts, and you can't understand anything she ever says. So she shows up (as she would, nightly), and starts shuffling around the store. I didn't pay much attention to her, as it was a busy night, and she wasn't much trouble. (At least, not compared to the Listerine Pirate - ask me about that dude, sometime.) Eventually, she wanders up to the counter, and pays for her Hungry Mans, but this time she actually speaks up and has something semi-intelligible to say: Something about how she didn't shit on the floor. *alarm bells and sirens go here* As she says this, I become aware of a particularly foul odor (for a 24 hour convenience store at 3am in Boston), and look down to see fresh diarrhea dripping from the bottom of Estelle's slacks. WHAT. THE FUCK. She leaves, and I make a quick sweep of the store - She's tracked it fucking everywhere. She must have just had it dripping down her leg as she went on an aisle-to-aisle tour of the store - it's in every fucking aisle, little drips of shit on the tile floor (occasionally smeared by a shuffling old lady sneaker).

Of course, I've got a brand-new trainee here - if I tell her to go mop up old lady shit in every aisle (and if she's got any brains or self-respect whatsoever), she's gonna tell me to get fucked, walk out, and I'll be doing it by myself with no one on the register. So I get the funnest job ever. The smell was fucking indescribable; this lady didn't eat a balanced meal, by any stretch of the imagination.

Not one of the high points of my career.

3 My girl and I went on the South Beach diet for a few. It's a great diet, I highly recommend it over Atkins or any of that crazy shit; it works, and the meals are good eatin'. However, for the first two weeks, all you're eating is lean meats, lowfat cheeses, eggs, and veggies. LOTS of veggies. And lots of fiber. I didn't shit for about four days, which was unusual for me (I'm usually regular as an atomic clock), and when I did (I think I drank my first coffee of the week), it was a jurassic-sized log of epic fucking proportions. This thing was like passing two beer cans, end-to-end - shitting this turd out, I'm fairly certain, qualifies me for gay porn. What's more, it looked absolutely identical to an energy bar - it was this weird yellow color, and you could literally see the fibrous texture. AND IT WOULD NOT FUCKING FLUSH. It was kinda balanced across the drain hole, and no amount of industrial-powered work toilet flushing (oh, yeah, this was at work) was gonna break this manly log - it had the consistency (and resiliency) of chipboard. I was shitting out Ikea furniture. I eventually had to man up and break it in half with a giant wad of TP, after which it went on its way, probably clogging up some municipal sewer later on down the line. Fucking epic.

Someone just took a shit on the floor in the ladies room here. This is like the 3rd or 4th time in the past month. All the women were freaking out over it and they called someone from Human Resources to come up and see. The people who work here are fucking pigs. Sadly, other than occasional boogers in front of the urinal, the mens room is usually pretty clean.

The best story I have is going out with carina to dollar bill's in Derry, NH (I hate that f'n place). I have to use the bathroom so I walk towards the back and there is a huge line for the one bathroom/handistall thing. I should preface this with the fact that we ate egg n' cheese bagel things from dunkin donuts and then spent hours in the apple orchard eating as many apples as humanly possible. anyhow, my ass crack is sweating by this point. I walk down the road towards clam haven towards the mini-mart there. I want in and the clerk is gone. I look at somethings and another dude comes in and the lady pops out from the back so he asks to use the bathroom first (he was doing a pee-pee dance). I rush into the back when he's done. The bathroom is a 3'x3' box and the lady is right next to the door cutting boxes or something. As soon as I sit down, I rip-out-my-guts and everything flies out of me splashing water everywhere. I pack the bowl in a couple seconds and the stench is worst then lowtide at the beach on the hottest day. I hear the door to the store open up and some lady start yelling "hello, hello!?! can we just use your bathroom" I'm sitting there and the lady with her 3yo kid are now outside the door and you hear the little girl in pee pain. the mom just keeps saying "don't worry, don't worry, just one more minute. you'll be ok"
I quickly wipe up the sopping wet ass that I now have, flushed and broke for the door saying "there you are!"
Behind me, I hear the lady say "OMG" and I glance back to see her grabbing her face, holding back gagging as I run out the door of the mini-mart.
!!!MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!

starmummy said:

i am so fucking curious to know who keeps doing that. i'm looking for someone who is either visibly hiding something, or someone grinning and wringing their hands together.

Oh we had a guy shit on the floor of the men's room customer bathroom at my store too. I dared my friend, jokingly mind you, and later that night he came back to me just smiling saying "go look!" So, I went and saw what could be described as a giant bull shit on the floor in the stall. The best part of all of this, I left the bathroom laughing my ass off because of it, and someone saw me and then went in and saw the shit.. so now all the managers still to this day think I'm the phantom shitter.

Yeti said:

Do any of the girls from Flavor of Love work with you?

hahahahahaha.

years ago a big fat friend of mine took a shit in the mop bucket at Hollywood Video in Chelmsford. about an hour later he had to shit again, so we went back and he had massive diarrhea in the top flushing part of the toilet.

Yeti said:

see previous story about the crazy lady who mummbles... i'm betting i know exactly who it is

I one time shit in the 2nd gutiarist of Bane of Existence's car while outside Armageddon Shop. Then made him drive me to Eddie Dissector's house and walked into his house with no pants on completely covered in shit.

I'm not allowed to use his bathroom anymore, but that's from another story.

Mike_Giallo said:

Tell me this was not accidental, I beg of you.

Mike_Giallo said:

hahahaha I rememeber that. Greg's car never smelled the same again.

Do you guys still hang out?

ive craped in hole i dug at work...4 times

word of advice, if you dig a hole to poop in make sure its deep, odor is a crafty little bastard.

i had the shits last week all week it sucked balls the last few days my shits/farst smelled like rotten fish serisouly it was a shitty week to say the least...but yea im rejoycing cuase i had my first solid BM the other day "and their was much rejoycing, yaaaaaaaaayyy"!

DestroyYouAlot said:


Obviously it wasn't accidental.

I also should have mentioned it was the old guitarist of BOE.

menstrual_sweatpants_disco said:

And no, I haven't talked to him in 2 or 3 years. Just kinda disapeared.

I left that bathroom so proud.. and wouldn't you know as I was walking out the door our caretaker was walking in the stall to attempt to fix the toilet. I felt pretty awful.. I still work with this girl and she still gives me weird looks. She knew what I did.. just flat out dumped in an empty toilet and left it for her to fish out with a scooper. The best part is the girl is mentally retarded.


>>

good god, that's hilarious.

When I worked in a liquor store, I had to shit like crazy out of fucking nowhere. It was the middle of the day, and all the regulars were sitting down playing Keno. Luckily there was another cashier, so I was able to rush to the bathroom, which was right next to all the regulars. Apparently the walls are paper thin, and they all heard the rectal symphony being conducted by my asshole. I came out feeling much better 2 minutes later, and all the regulars had fled. The other cashier wouldn't even look me in the face for a week. Amazing.

My friend's apt.'s septic tank is fucked, or at least was this past weekend. Apparently shit squeezed up through their shower drain. Yuck.

Bump, more stories

1. When I used to bag for Stop and Shop I made the fatal mistake of doing my job well. I bagged fast, talked little, and never complained about doing carriages no matter what the weather was like. You'd think something like that would amount to a little respect, but all that it means is you get your breaks last, you go home the latest, and you're the first one they come looking for when there's a job no one else wants to do. Whatever, egg spills, blueberry smears, olive oil, who gives a shit I'd clean it. It was to the point where the managers didn't even bother saying please anymore.

Then one day some anonymous flea bag old man hershey squirted his way the length of 2 or 3 checkouts and into the front end bathroom. This guy made off like a diamond thief, and left a stench a shit trail and a monster mess in the bathroom. I knew it was a shit tsunami without even walking in there because for the first time in Stop and Shop history the kid running the front end asked me if I "please... wouldn't mind... cleaning up the bathroom. " I looked over and saw the brown landing strip that the guy had decorated the front of the store with. I sighed, sucked it up, and trudged over to the bathroom.

I only looked inside for a minute. What I saw however, can only be described as a Jackson Pollock mural painted exclusively in 10 shades of brown. This guy's asshole must have been able to give the sprinklers at Pebble Beach a run for their money. It was abominable.

I walked back to the kid running the front end. He didn't know what to say, so I told him "It's not happening." He tried to sum up the nerve to order me to do it, but he knew he couldn't. "It's not happening, and there's no way you can make me, and you know it." He hung his head, and said yeah I know. 15 minutes later I hear the wails of some dumb wigger kid who bagged groceries there. He'd been fucking off for the last hour or so, and had no idea what had been going on. He had gotten roped into de-turding the place, and had no way to get himself out of it. Interesting side note: his uncle is a millionare.

2. One of the first nights I ever hung out with girlfriend we ate at Qdoba on Comm ave right before it closed around 11:00. About 15 minutes later, in the middle of an intersection, with no fast food place, gas station, public restroom, or anything to even squat beind my queso burrito did what it did best inside my stomach.

I won't bore you with the details, but I'll say this. My girlfriend, and I have been going out for 2+ years now. Those 2 years were about 30 seconds/10 yards/and 1 BU Campus center bathroom away from never happening. I ask you... What kind of girl would have dated a guy who shit himself in the middle of Comm Ave on their second date?

damn, put that one in the memoirs.

Pooping you say? Alright, Im taking a shower a couple days ago and my sister asks if she can come in and pee. I say yes and ask her not to flush because Im showering, sooo shes on the phone and takes about five minutes then leaves. I suddenly smell the wettest girl shit. So while shes laughing on the phone kaka particles are floating into my nose while Im trying to apply conditioner to my hair. Unforgivable

HappySunshineBaby said:

How old is your sister. If she's legal, then that story is hot.

Its funny walking in on people when they are taking care of their business. It must be so frustrating because its not like they can get up without causing problems.
I went into this gas station it was around 5:30 in the pm...and it was so busy. there is one bathroom there and I figured everyone would lock it so i didn't think to knock (my mistake)...this guy was right in the middle of pooping, he yelled "Hey!" and started to get up like i wasn't going to shut the door right away. Of course I did and he was out of there like 2 minutes later, he gave me a dirty look. I think he was too nervous to finish.

Aura_At_Dusk said:

My guess is you scared the shit out of him. Get it? Get it? I'll be here all week folks!

*crickets...laughing*

Once, at my last job, I was in the bathroom washing my hands and this big fat oaf that I couldn't stand opened the door. He was one of those big fat guys that acts like a 90 lb girl and never shuts up, and spends all day trying to make people laugh at corny jokes.

He walked halfway in the door, and then notice me and jumped. He said "I totally didn't see you there. You just scared the shit out of me." and then chuckled. I had never really had a conversation with the guy, and pretty much hated everyone in the office there, so I thought what the hell, I'll be a social dude for 10 seconds and maybe it'll pay off.

So I jokingly said "Well I guess the bathroom's the right place to get the shit scared out of you" Emphasis on bathroom and shit. His whole expression changed. He grunted and turned away. What a dick.

we have a Serial Phantom Shit Ninja here at work. like 5 times over the last month or so someone has shit on the floor in the ladies room on my floor. they leave a log on the floor, and no one can figure out who is doing it. at first it seemed like a really bad accident, like one of the gigantic corporate asses here just totally missed, but after the 3rd time it became obvious it was intentional. so the company installed some kind of a camera thing outside of the doorway, pointing towards the door. well yesterday the same thing happened in a downstairs bathroom. this person manages to shit on the floor, clean and get out before anyone sees. the fact that they can do it, clean themselves, and get out before being noticed is some ninja warrior shitting right there.

Yeti said:

this sux too i want them to catch the damn person so we all don't get in trouble. how can they prove it? "did you leave mudpies on the floor?".. " no"..
ok next.. i mean someone is going to have to admit to it.

Someone should scoop it up and send it to a lab.

Yeti said:

I think you meant to post this in the "Coffin Birth renaming" thread.

ariavette said:

So, did you leave mudpies on the floor?