Since all you guys out there seem to be missing the b00bles to b00gle, I'm going to give you the secrets that have kept me with my gf for a long time. maybe this will help you get the bone out of your hand (and your mind off myspace) and into a sweet honey pot!

1) ACTING! if you can't feel it, fake it:
http://www.zefrank.com/acting/index.html
learning good acting skills will keep you out of trouble more than you can ever imagine. Pay special attention to the endorsement one. that one has helped me a lot more than you would expect.

2)DANCING! learn to shake that booty.
http://www.zefrank.com/indexdance.html
http://www.zefrank.com/dance2/navigation.html
you can keep a woman interested in you by busting out the funk moves. they especially like this when you are in public with their family.

3) SOCIAL INTERACTION! learning how to act in public was the hardest one.
http://www.zefrank.com/date_1/navigation.html
they don't cover the butt poke when the girl is walking up stairs infront of you, but I hope that will come in future editions.

once you learn all these steps, you will get to play with a set of these:

all the time.

This is geared toward the computer nerds who sit at home all day and play Runescape.

hahahhahaha great advice

Yes! Yes! The rev is the BEST actor ever and can shake a mean booty! I just wish I didn't get poked in the butt when walking upstairs though...

haha....

ConquerTheBaphomet said:

ah, that would be my youngest brother. the sad thing is, he's banged more sluts than i could have ever hoped for when i was in high school.
but i guess that's because he's an effeminate, hot topic poster boy who paid to see in theaters AND purchased the DVD - brokeback mountain. girls melt for guys like that.

hmmm.....that is odd....those are usually the ones scare me

i dont believe any of this mumbo jumbo...YOU'RE ALL CRAZY!

if anyone wants some dancing advice, i advise you to stop by room 28 in framingham at the sexcrement space for a 101 lesson from yours truly featuring the art of wu-tang and odb. i'm goood, trust me.

hahahahaha

bornsovile ain't nothin to fuck with

is that so?

according to him...yes

i had some old drunk guy try to teach my how to cha cha the other night.....he stepped on me and i fell over, so that was the end of that.

that's a saaad story

yeah yeah, why cause i was semi dancing with an old drunk man? or cause it was the cha cha

10 Foolproof tips

1. Pull your head out of your ass
2. Ask questions instead of just talking
3. Pull your head out of your ass
4. Approach the situation with at least a minimal amount of dignity and respect.
5. Think of something clever to say, not the kind of clever that your meathead friends would appreciate, not the kind of clever that only you, the dude from Burzum and about 12 other people would get. Clever. Like for normals.
6. Take the extra 2 seconds to read if a girl is IN A RELATIONSHIP on Myspace. If she's in a relationship odds are she isn't down for being chatted up by METALSLOB666@obnoxious.com.
7. Have something better to say than YOURE REALLY HOT, ME AND 7 OF MY FRIENDS ARE COMING TO YOUR CITY, GIVE US YOUR NUMBER....N00dZ? Or any variation thereof.
8. Know when to give up. Persistance is a virtue. Making an ass of yourself is something else.
9. Don't hit on my girlfriend. Ever. I'll feed you your own small intestine.
10. Seriously, pull your head out of your fucking ass. It's embarassing watching some of you clowns work.

i think it might be a combination of everything...but being drunk allows such things to occur

i had a similar incident the other night at karaoke...i was unfortunately right next to where people were singing and i was inappropriately groped by this random old woman singing "it's raining men"

xmikex said:

the fact that you brought myspace into this discredits anything you've said

HAHAHAHAHAH! i almost took out some dude the other night, i was waiting in line for the bathroom, with my bag on my shoulder. next thing i know i feel someone "caressing" tthe back of my arm..i turn around ready deck someone, and this dude was like, sorry i was admiring your pin on your bag and i wanted to touch it..(slayer pin) and he says, can i touch it agaain, and i told him if he wanted to die he could. he then proceed to introducem me to his girlfriend, where they then tried to get me to go home with them...i love cinco de mayo

Sacreligion said:

pffft. myspace is where dudes make themselves look more foolish than anywhere else. people are getting ass from myspace all day every day. if you're missing out it's because you're doing something wrong.

haha...i'd stay far away from that place

at the same karaoke place a different older woman came up to all of us saying it was her birthday and how we should do something special to celebrate...i took that as my cue to leave...instantly

xmikex said:

nah i'm just normal

hahahaha nice, you should have! i was a lil tipsy on cinco de mayo, and the band that was playing made signs for the bartender to hold up when they played a certain song, i am friends with the bartender, so hands me a sign to hold up for him when the band did this song, i realized after a few creepy old men winked at me that i prolly should have read the sign before i held it up..it said "lick it" and the best part i was holding it upside down..no more nights out for jen.

funny...i'd use that as a reason to go out MORE

oi vey

i think we're getting off topic here...we need to discuss the fact that aaron blatantly took that picture so he can masturbate to it later

sick fuckin bastard

Sacreligion said:

Point.Set.Match.... The Sac wins!!

The Sac always wins!

all the women ive dated assure me the problem isnt me, its them.....are they lying to me?!?!?

haha send me a postcard from the 18th Century some time you guys. live in the now.

let's find some bible quotes to back this sizzle up!

WHEN DATING AND MYSPACE GET INVOLVED...NEED I SAY MORE?

craigforacurse said:

ummm...i think yes, girls suck for the most part at being straight foreward

anonymous said:

that's very true.


this thread is actually about some dude and the wicked funny videos he makes, but since all you guys can't get laid you just sorta focused on that. Now the dancing, throwing pancakes on himself idiot guy is funny, but the patheticness of everyone who took over this thread with "how to get pussy" advice is even funnier.

hey man, i aint giving any how to get pussy advice

no, you need some. you ain't got no skills to spill. you had carina in your car. did you get anything? no.

who's willing to teach me?

Ma_Dukes said:

you only need to learn one line

"does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

HA!

hey i didn't give any advice either...i've just been going on my nonsensical rants

that chloroform joke is the best thing i've ever heard

hmmmm...good approach....i think i may try that.....

you stay far away from me with that rag. . .

who?

you...you're crazy...i've heard all about you

you do the cha-cha-chloroform

hahahaha cha cha chloroform! that is great! i was saving it for rich horror though

kidding

don't you mean rich happy?

hahaha...and whattaya mean you've heard about me?

THINGS WOMEN NEED TO REALIZE


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you
want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine ..... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, monster trucks or Sex.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Ma_Dukes said:

everyone's heard of ma dukes...the name strikes fear into the hearts of mortals...and highlanders

i am really a viking

sssure...j..just take whatever you want...d-d-DON'T HURT ME!

see what you've reduced me to? you've taken a highlander and broken his spirit. . .

pussy

kidding kidding...what yourself or you get the CHLORFORM!!!!!!!!!

;)

hahahaha, now you'll look like jay from skinless...minus the hair ofcourse

at least i won't have to keep looking over my shoulder for you and a rag!

you never complained before!

cuz i was always knocked out from chloroform!

Sacreligion said:

no.

I don't know about evryone else but If I need lovin I just hit up the local graveyard or.... a pre-school!

oh so that's what you look like in a gas mask

Sacreligion said:

minus the 8 or so inches of me that are already in it, yeah.

Ma_Dukes said:

I love you.

hahahaha

Yeah, that's usually the response I get when I say that to someone.

awwww.........well get a bitch drunk then say it to her...drunk chics love that shit! ah!

There's not enough alcohol in the world to make any woman ok with me saying that.

if that dont work my boy, that is where the chloroform once more saves the day!

And by chloroform you mean a brick. I know I do.

if you are ugly and suck, then you arent going to get any. seriously, getting a chic is not that difficult, its just that 95% of people go about it completely wrong. they either go after someone unattainable, or they just make complete asses of themselves. its all about talking casually.

It's all about knowing the best places to dispose bodies.

Rich should write a book, I bet it would be a best seller

and as cliche as it sounds, laughter truly is the way to a womans heart. but not fart or dick jokes, or rehashing of lame jokes you heard on Dane Cook, but genuine laughter is the key. thats how i was able to get the sizzling hot piece of ass i am currently engaged too.

I actually have found a circular saw and a steel clamp to be the quickest way to a woman's heart.

WHAT?!

Does she know you refer to her as" the sizzling hot piece of ass "

hahaha absolutely. sometimes i'm like "hey sizzling hot piece of ass, come over here".

If she takes too long to come over, do you kick her in the throat?

she's the last person you'd want to do that too

big...nails

like wolverine?

i teabag her with a sack full of doorknobs.

my actual scrotum is a bag full of doorknobs. it's a weird birth defect.

scrotum...hahaha that word still makes me laugh as if i am in 4th grade hearing the word "boner" for the first time.

my scrotum's filled with a baseball

a bizarre accident from my youth that i don't necessarily want to get into

boner still makes me laugh

his last name was...boner!...ha ha ha ha ha

a baseball huh?...that must be awkward in some situations

yeah...derek jeter won't fuckin leave me alone

Derek Jeter's hands and mouth are forever busy with cock.

and baseball scrotums

If I knew Derek Jeter that might be funnier...But I do not follow baseball

i don't either...but even i know he's the faggy dude from the yankees

Dudes sucking dicks and jacking off other dudes is wicked funny, broheimer.

Sacreligion said:

you're 1 up on me then

Yeti said:

it depends on the chic i guess

you guys are fags. all i have to do is look them in the eye, bat the lashes, a lil smile - and i'm in. then you torture them by playing hard to get.

I torture them with razorblades.

you and your boyish charm..

BornSoVile said:

we're called fags, yet you say you bat your eyelashes? yeeeeesh

hahahaha.....there is nothing wrong with batting eyelashes, as long as it is done in a sarcastic way. then chics dig it

battling eyelashes

see, madukes knows what's up! another point for jawshy!

it's safe to assume that, as most guys on here, my lashes have never been batted

you get double points for actually admitting to it bratha...dude saturday will rock

madukes said:

Much like there's nothing wrong with slicing their tits off and burning their whorefaces with battery acid.

are you hinting to me rich?

It's hard to burn your face when it's buried in Josh's crotch.

oh rich, you and your empty promises

he's told me on numerous occasions that he'd slice off my tits...but that was when he was into liposuction

my face? josh's crotch? when was this?

that's katy girl, as featured on the bonus material on the repress of Goratory - Sexual Intercorpse (watch the videos).

Don't deny it. Don't be ashamed either, it's the sole purpose of all women. Well, that and punching bag.

it was me..you got me...?

the guy passed outin the background is the highlight of that picture

that's actually a hologram. it's really rich's face and my crotch.

Mental breakdowns are awesome.

Ken, I'm going to beat the shit out of you.

why are there pictures of josh forcing penetration?

cuz the lash-batting didn't work

hmmmm...good question....no longer returntothepit.com..............returntothepenis.com now it looks like

that's my advice to these single playa's yo, just take hold of a moment and capitalize. that's how i roll.

Having a pair of brass knuckles handy doesn't hurt, either.

rich, i am def sending you a dead hooker for your next birthday

a a half dead one atleast...or better yet, half of a dead one

Dead ones don't cry, and are therefor useless to me.

what would rich happy have to say to all this?

RichHorror said:

i am invincible

well i know i saw cliffs, and their was majesty everywhere

No, that's me. You won't be fit to serve malasadas when I'm through with you.

Sacreligion said:

*zips up pants*