Forum.RttP{"Dear Bad Mosh Metal Bands..." article}

A really funny yet true article written for this hardcore zine based out of Albany, it's really good.

Here's the link:
http://www.bystanderfanzine.com/columns/ma...2462907&archive=&start_from=&ucat=&

"Dear Bad Mosh Metal Bands...

Dear Bad Mosh Metal Bands,

Hello. I had the (dis)pleasure of playing with a few of you the other day. Now let me be frank. It honestly sounded like a bunch of retards (and I mean retards in the most literal sense. I'm sure you all have shining personalities) playing my entire 96-98 record collection. As far as I'm concerned, this hardly qualifies as music to me or to anyone really. Now I know all the fancy boys in their new tight jeans and lintless zipped up hoodies dance around like they have a bad case of the runs and they're fighting their hardest to get to the bathroom to you, but that still doesn't make you good. It just means your fanbase is comprised of easily amused people. Playing a mosh part, ringing out, playing a Slayer lead, ringing out, and playing another mosh part has never qualified as a "song" to anyone. It's really just a few thoughtless ideas that were very poorly planned. You may get a rise out of playing it, but I bet there's a real good chance you play it because you don't know what the fuck you are doing. That's why I'm here to help.

When Mosh Metal first came into my life, the lyrics mainly revolved around being straight edge and vegan, and even though I've never been either of those things, I could still relate to that more than this new mosh metal that's all about Endless Suffering and Anguish and girls I've never met. I'm not saying you should get behind a cause and go with it, because a lot of great metalcore bands never had a cause. What I AM saying is that you should maybe step outside of the box for a second and realize you are already playing really redundant music that offers nothing to anyone who doesn't feel like punching the air for 20 minutes at a time. You could really use some work in the lyrics department. chances are, you've never experienced Endless Suffering or any kind of anguish aside from getting a bad grade in high school here and there. Sing about things you actually know about. Even if it's something dumb like mowing the lawn or being grounded. Trust me, it will work out better in the long run.

Now musically is where you really need some help. I understand that the people that are mainly into you are way younger than me, but it's only a matter of time until they discover bands from no less than five years ago that were doing the same thing you're doing, except they were actually good at it. Then where will you be? Playing for a bunch of girls who don't know any better and your tight bros who don't want to let you down by telling you how bad you suck? Some day, the Alabama VFW is going to be a very, very lonely tour stop, so you should be prepared.

I don't normally condone completely ripping off (some call it "influences") other bands, but you are a special case that needs special help. Look back at the holy trinity of metalcore (Converge, Coalesce, Cave In. ps. I would have liked to include Overcast, but their name doesn't begin with a C). All these bands were highly original, differed from each other AND had mosh parts. To top it off, they were mainly all around at the same time and played a good amount of shows together. Don't you think that's more exciting than the 4 hour Firestorm breakdown you currently offer? I recommend that you all revisit the classics and the real envelope pushers for inspiration. If you've never heard them, then you really need to do some digging, and like, fucking pronto. I understand Hot Topic completely re-invented you, but that doesn't mean you have to be ignorant about it.

I'll even give you something to start with. Go find the 'Definitely Not The Majors' compilation CD that was put out by Bush League Records. You can probably find it on Ebay for super cheap because no one cares about it. Listen to the Ascension song, "Clayden". There's seriously like 10 people on earth besides the band who remember this song vividly. Although a bit generic, this a great example of a perfectly acceptable Mosh Metal song. Now just copy it note for note. No will notice. Trust me. The great part is, the song is like six minutes so you can probably chop it up and make two songs out of it. Now you're only one song away from having a listenable demo! Besides, you will never write anything heavier than the sludge breakdown at the end of the song. Not because it's the heaviest thing ever written, but it has heart behind it, which is probably an entirely new concept to you. This exercise can really push you in the right direction towards writing your own great generic mosh metal songs!

I'm going to wrap this up because I'm sure you don't like reading too much. I just hope my friendly advice helps at least a couple of you out there. Good night and godspeed.

Your Friend,
Mike Dikk "