Fucking love this guy.

July 3rd. While talking on cell phone, become convinced I have lost my cell phone.

May 15th. Trying to compliment a beautiful woman by telling her she looks like Johnny Depp.

March 27th. Drive into gas station and stick the gas nozzle in the tank, setting the handle to auto-pump. Wander across the street to buy a Red Bull. Come back, hop in, and start engine. Am about to drive off when I hear screaming behind me. Always remember to turn off pump and remove nozzle from tank before you fire up the engine. Anyway I almost blow up.

Feb. 26. Despite designing my own website for several years, I still fail to be able to utilize my web-design software at any more than a rudimentry level, and have actually forgotten how to make links.

Jan. 23rd to 30th. Bought new type of shampoo. Used it for a week, not understanding why it never foamed up and seemed to make my hair dirtier. Finally realized that it was a bottle of hair gel, not shampoo.

The night of Jan. 15th or therabouts. Fell asleep while wearing teeth-whitening strip. Woke up -- teeth hurt. Plus there was a hole burned into my gums.

March 3rd. Hurt neck and bit self while masturbating wildly.