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post by HeavensJail_nli at 2009-07-15 14:06:05
An eccentric English Metalhead [John Cleese] walks up to Henry Orgone [Michael Palin]'s ticket window at the Palladium, past the homeless bouzouki player [Rich Bova].
Metalhead: Good Morning.
Orgone: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the Worcester Palladium!
Metalhead: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Orgone: What can I do for you, Sir?
Metalhead: Well, I was, uh, sitting in Irish Times across the way just now, skimming through "Rogue Herrys" by Hugh Walpole and having a few pints, and I suddenly came over all lamed out.
Orgone: Lamed out, sir?
Metalhead: Ennuient.
Orgone: Eh?
Metalhead: 'Ee, Ah wor bored-loike!
Orgone: Ah, bored!
Metalhead: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little of the old thrash and slam will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the attendance of some vituperative riffage!
Orgone: Come again?
Metalhead: I want to see some death metal.
Orgone: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!
Metalhead: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in ALL manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
Orgone: Sorry?
Metalhead: A BOUZOUKI IS FINE TOO!
Orgone: So he can go on playing, can he?
Metalhead: Most certainly! Now then, a ticket please, my good man.
Orgone: (lustily) Certainly, sir. Who are you interested to see?
Metalhead: Well, eh, how about Suffocation.
Orgone: I'm, a-fraid Suffocation's not playing, sir.
Metalhead: Oh, never mind, how about Dying Fetus?
Orgone: I'm afraid they're not playing either, sir.
Metalhead: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, Decrepit Birth, if they're not done yet.
Orgone: Ah! They're on the second half of the tour, sir, the next two weeks. Not today.
Metalhead: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Origin?
Orgone: Sorry, sir.
Metalhead: Beneath The Massacre?
Orgone: Normally, sir, yes. Today their van broke down.
Metalhead: Ah. Born of Osiris?
Orgone: Sorry.
Metalhead: After The Burial? Ensiferum?
Orgone: No.
Metalhead: Any Norweigan black metal, per chance.
Orgone: No, none at all.
Metalhead: Blackguard?
Orgone: No.
Metalhead: Darkest Hour?
Orgone: No.
Metalhead: Hivesmasher?
Orgone: No.
Metalhead: Dismantle the Cyborg?
Orgone: No.
Metalhead: What Lies Beneath The Tide?
Orgone: (pause) No.
Metalhead: Mordisk?
Orgone: No.
Metalhead: Dysentery?
Orgone: No.
Metalhead: Axiom, Blessed Offal, Summoning Hate, Goreality, Macerated, Mortal Decay, Sapremia, Sexcrement, Bone Ritual?
Orgone: No.
Metalhead: Winds of Plague, perhaps?
Orgone: Ah! We have Winds of Plague playing, yessir.
Metalhead: (surprised) You do! Excellent.
Orgone: Yessir. They're..ah,.....they're a bit crappy...
Metalhead: Oh, I'll take it crappy.
Orgone: Well,.. they're very crappy, actually, sir.
Metalhead: No matter. Fetch hither the deathcore de la Weeaboo! Mmmwah!
Orgone: I...think they're a bit crappier than you'll like, sir.
Metalhead: I don't care how fucking crappy it is. Proffer the death metal with all speed.
Orgone: Oooooooooohhh........!
Metalhead: What now?
Orgone: They've broken up and cancelled.
Metalhead: (pause) Have they.
Orgone: Yes, sir.
(pause)
Metalhead: Sinister?
Orgone: No.
Metalhead: Skinless?
Orgone: No.
Metalhead: Immolation?
Orgone: No.
Metalhead: Austrian Death Machine?
Orgone: No.
Metalhead: Coffins?
Orgone: No, sir.
Metalhead: You...do *have* some death metal, don't you?
Orgone: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's the Summer Slaughter tour, sir. We've got--
Metalhead: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Orgone: Fair enough.
Metalhead: Uuuuuh, Orgone.
Orgone: Yes?
Metalhead: Ah, well then! When do they go on!
Orgone: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Henry Orgone, that's my name.
(pause)
Metalhead: Abigail Williams?
Orgone: Uh, not as such.
Metalhead: Uuh, Goatwhore?
Orgone: no
Metalhead: Abysmal Dawn,
Orgone: no
Metalhead: SWWAATS,
Orgone: no
Metalhead: Hirudinea,
Orgone: no
Metalhead: Daath,
Orgone: no
Metalhead: Parasitic Extirpation,
Orgone: no
Metalhead: Embalmer?
Orgone: Not *today*, sir, no.
(pause)
Metalhead: Aah, how about Warbringer?
Orgone: Well, we don't get much call for them around here, sir.
Metalhead: Not much ca--They only get booked onto on every sodding metal tour in the world!
Orgone: Not 'round here, sir.
Metalhead: {pause}and what IS the most popular death metal band 'round hyah?
Orgone: Gorefest, sir.
Metalhead: ARE they.
Orgone: Oh, yes, they're staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
Metalhead: Are they.
Orgone: They're our number one best draw, sir!
Metalhead: I see. Uuh...Gorefest, eh?
Orgone: Right, sir.
Metalhead: All right. Okay. 'Are they playing?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
Orgone: I'll have a look, sir... nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
Metalhead: It's not much of a death metal tour, is it?
Orgone: Finest in the States!
Metalhead: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
Orgone: Well, it sticks straight to the schedule, sir!
Metalhead: It's certainly uncontaminated by bands playing too long and mucking things up....
Orgone: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Necrophagist, sir.
Metalhead: Would it be worth it?
Orgone: Could be....
Metalhead: Are --SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI OFF!
Orgone: Told you sir....
Metalhead: (slowly) Are Necrophagist playing?
Orgone: No.
Metalhead: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me
Orgone: Yessir?
Metalhead: Are there any bands playing on this tour at all.
Orgone: Yes, sir.
Metalhead: Really?
(pause) Orgone: No. Not really, sir.
Metalhead: There aren't.
Orgone: Nosir. Not a one. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
Metalhead: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
Orgone: Right-0, sir.
The metalhead takes out a gun and shoots the ticket taker.
Metalhead: What a *senseless* waste of human life.
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