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: post by HeavensJail_nli at 2009-07-15 14:06:05


An eccentric English Metalhead [John Cleese] walks up to Henry Orgone [Michael Palin]'s ticket window at the Palladium, past the homeless bouzouki player [Rich Bova].

Metalhead: Good Morning.

Orgone: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the Worcester Palladium!

Metalhead: Ah, thank you, my good man.

Orgone: What can I do for you, Sir?

Metalhead: Well, I was, uh, sitting in Irish Times across the way just now, skimming through "Rogue Herrys" by Hugh Walpole and having a few pints, and I suddenly came over all lamed out.

Orgone: Lamed out, sir?

Metalhead: Ennuient.

Orgone: Eh?

Metalhead: 'Ee, Ah wor bored-loike!

Orgone: Ah, bored!

Metalhead: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little of the old thrash and slam will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the attendance of some vituperative riffage!

Orgone: Come again?

Metalhead: I want to see some death metal.

Orgone: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!

Metalhead: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in ALL manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

Orgone: Sorry?

Metalhead: A BOUZOUKI IS FINE TOO!

Orgone: So he can go on playing, can he?

Metalhead: Most certainly! Now then, a ticket please, my good man.

Orgone: (lustily) Certainly, sir. Who are you interested to see?

Metalhead: Well, eh, how about Suffocation.

Orgone: I'm, a-fraid Suffocation's not playing, sir.

Metalhead: Oh, never mind, how about Dying Fetus?

Orgone: I'm afraid they're not playing either, sir.

Metalhead: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, Decrepit Birth, if they're not done yet.

Orgone: Ah! They're on the second half of the tour, sir, the next two weeks. Not today.

Metalhead: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Origin?

Orgone: Sorry, sir.

Metalhead: Beneath The Massacre?

Orgone: Normally, sir, yes. Today their van broke down.

Metalhead: Ah. Born of Osiris?

Orgone: Sorry.

Metalhead: After The Burial? Ensiferum?

Orgone: No.

Metalhead: Any Norweigan black metal, per chance.

Orgone: No, none at all.

Metalhead: Blackguard?

Orgone: No.

Metalhead: Darkest Hour?

Orgone: No.

Metalhead: Hivesmasher?

Orgone: No.

Metalhead: Dismantle the Cyborg?

Orgone: No.

Metalhead: What Lies Beneath The Tide?

Orgone: (pause) No.

Metalhead: Mordisk?

Orgone: No.

Metalhead: Dysentery?

Orgone: No.

Metalhead: Axiom, Blessed Offal, Summoning Hate, Goreality, Macerated, Mortal Decay, Sapremia, Sexcrement, Bone Ritual?

Orgone: No.

Metalhead: Winds of Plague, perhaps?

Orgone: Ah! We have Winds of Plague playing, yessir.

Metalhead: (surprised) You do! Excellent.

Orgone: Yessir. They're..ah,.....they're a bit crappy...

Metalhead: Oh, I'll take it crappy.

Orgone: Well,.. they're very crappy, actually, sir.

Metalhead: No matter. Fetch hither the deathcore de la Weeaboo! Mmmwah!

Orgone: I...think they're a bit crappier than you'll like, sir.

Metalhead: I don't care how fucking crappy it is. Proffer the death metal with all speed.

Orgone: Oooooooooohhh........!

Metalhead: What now?

Orgone: They've broken up and cancelled.

Metalhead: (pause) Have they.

Orgone: Yes, sir.

(pause)

Metalhead: Sinister?

Orgone: No.

Metalhead: Skinless?

Orgone: No.

Metalhead: Immolation?

Orgone: No.

Metalhead: Austrian Death Machine?

Orgone: No.

Metalhead: Coffins?

Orgone: No, sir.

Metalhead: You...do *have* some death metal, don't you?

Orgone: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's the Summer Slaughter tour, sir. We've got--

Metalhead: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

Orgone: Fair enough.

Metalhead: Uuuuuh, Orgone.

Orgone: Yes?

Metalhead: Ah, well then! When do they go on!

Orgone: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Henry Orgone, that's my name.

(pause)

Metalhead: Abigail Williams?

Orgone: Uh, not as such.

Metalhead: Uuh, Goatwhore?

Orgone: no

Metalhead: Abysmal Dawn,

Orgone: no

Metalhead: SWWAATS,

Orgone: no

Metalhead: Hirudinea,

Orgone: no

Metalhead: Daath,

Orgone: no

Metalhead: Parasitic Extirpation,

Orgone: no

Metalhead: Embalmer?

Orgone: Not *today*, sir, no.

(pause)

Metalhead: Aah, how about Warbringer?

Orgone: Well, we don't get much call for them around here, sir.

Metalhead: Not much ca--They only get booked onto on every sodding metal tour in the world!

Orgone: Not 'round here, sir.

Metalhead: {pause}and what IS the most popular death metal band 'round hyah?

Orgone: Gorefest, sir.

Metalhead: ARE they.

Orgone: Oh, yes, they're staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.

Metalhead: Are they.

Orgone: They're our number one best draw, sir!

Metalhead: I see. Uuh...Gorefest, eh?

Orgone: Right, sir.

Metalhead: All right. Okay. 'Are they playing?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

Orgone: I'll have a look, sir... nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Metalhead: It's not much of a death metal tour, is it?

Orgone: Finest in the States!

Metalhead: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

Orgone: Well, it sticks straight to the schedule, sir!

Metalhead: It's certainly uncontaminated by bands playing too long and mucking things up....

Orgone: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Necrophagist, sir.

Metalhead: Would it be worth it?

Orgone: Could be....

Metalhead: Are --SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI OFF!

Orgone: Told you sir....

Metalhead: (slowly) Are Necrophagist playing?

Orgone: No.

Metalhead: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me

Orgone: Yessir?

Metalhead: Are there any bands playing on this tour at all.

Orgone: Yes, sir.

Metalhead: Really?

(pause) Orgone: No. Not really, sir.

Metalhead: There aren't.

Orgone: Nosir. Not a one. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

Metalhead: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

Orgone: Right-0, sir.

The metalhead takes out a gun and shoots the ticket taker.

Metalhead: What a *senseless* waste of human life.

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